"Laughing Your Way to a Better Marriage"

I know it's been sometime since I've given everyone an update on the Petersens and my last post strayed from the whole goal of this blog; to share our joys and frustrations with our families and friends as we begin this most blessed journey of life called marriage. I'm sure most have heard or read how increasingly high divorce rates are in our society. I know every broken relationship has it's story but from what I know and continue to learn is that in most marriages the common root of all trouble is selfishness and fear. One seems to feed into the other and Derek and I have encountered both more often than anticipated since we've been married. We think so often that if it weren't for Christ in us and for our blessed friends and family around us we could see how easily and quickly a blissful marriage could turn sour. It has helped and encouraged me so many times when a confided friend tells me "You are normal." "This is normal." "Your battles and frustrations are not new and have been successfully dealt with before." I'm not sure about the rest of you but this makes all the difference to me. Somehow if I know that what I'm experiencing is "normal", whatever that is, then I can embrace the situation humble myself and press on. So that's why I blog about our life as newly weds. All couples need to know that they are normal and whatever they are facing can be fixed and hope as well as a renewed love for one another can be found. However with that goal in mind I will never share "too much" and if I'm blogging about it then you know it has been resolved and we both are able to laugh about whatever the issue was.
Speaking of laughter our Life Group, a group of friends we meet with on Sunday nights for fellowship beyond church, has just started a video series called "Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage" with Pastor Mark Gungor who has an interesting way of portraying the differences between women and men. In the first video "The Tale of Two Brains" he described the difference between the brains of the two sexes and what motivates one to the other despite the difference. The guy is hilarious which made the 70 minute video seem like 30 and I cannot wait to see what's in store for us next week. He described the male brain as a bunch of organized boxes that are put in a specific place, only one box can be opened at a time and none of them can ever touch when they are in their designated areas of the brain. Men also have one box that has nothing in it and it's their favorite box. Then he went on to describe how men are very good at thinking and doing nothing for long periods of time but also have the ability to concentrate very well on just one thing which is what women generally struggle with. He exaggerated a lot in his message which is part of what made it so funny. He described the female brain as a thick bed of wires all connected to each other and intricately intertwined so that all thoughts and tasks occur in multiples; multiple thoughts, topics and actions can be performed at one time which is something that would make a man's mind explode. There are good and bad associated with both along with their lists of strengths and weaknesses.
Derek and I don't really feel more informed having watched and heard this message. We've heard the general ideas many times from various books and in numerous premarriage counseling classes however we have never heard it presented in such a comical fashion. Listen up all married couples, no matter how new or old your marriage is the more you laugh at yourselves with your spouse the better off your marriage will be! Now I have a lot to learn about marriage and am far from an expert but this I know to be true. Just in the last month or so Derek and I have discovered that rather than get frustrated and annoyed with one another and our differences it's so much more therapeutic and effective to poke fun at eachother's personality defects as long as both know them to be true. Now when Derek doesn't do the dishes I can say something like "Plan on cleaning the kitchen sometime this marriage?" and he will laugh and say "I guess if I want to stay married I will." then like magic, he does! No more begrudging thoughts and knots in the throat caused by the thought that dirty dishes tells me he wants to be a bachelor, which means he doesn't value my efforts, which means marriage is painful for him and........ do you see how the wires in my female brain are connected? One thinks that they are a reasonable enough person to never let such thoughts infiltrate their minds but at some point or some season of life our thoughts sound psychotic if said out loud. Anyway my point is that laughing at oneanother's differences is always better than resentment.
Ever tell a story of an argument between you and your significant other to a friend and you both just end up laughing? Ever wonder why you couldn't laugh when it was happening? Derek and I still argue and still about dumb things but they are much fewer and further between. We have begun to argue and then just end up laughing even though we're trying to be serious. Sometimes I want to be mad at him but in the few amounts of wisdom I've gained since we begun our marriage I've learned how little good that will do and if everyone else can laugh about our stories and personality defaults then why can't we?
Pastor Gungor described the reason God made male and female brains so differently which is to ensure that one will constantly be serving the other in order to receive what he or she desires. I won't go into detail about this but he's saying that Men desire sex and in order to get that they have to serve their wives and women desire love and appreciation but in order to get those they have to give their husbands sex. Beyond that explanation I think God also created these differences because in working to better understand the person that is our ultimate companion and the closest to our hearts as a default we will better understand those we come in contact with every day as well as our families and children. Being in this constant relationship of servitude doesn't just make us better husbands and wives but also better people who were given the ultimate purpose of serving other for Christ's glory. This is why God ordained marriage and made it this wonderful and most awful gift, so that we would be constantly corrected and working towards becoming a stronger people for a larger purpose beyond a better marriage.

The Resolutions

As a personal trainer the term "Resolutions" is used often in reference to those who will rejoin the gym or start a membership for the first time after the first of the year. Unfortunately those of us who work at the gym or are persistent goers, know we will see over 70% of the new faces no more when spring time rolls around and some won't even make it that long. This is a booming time of year for the fitness industry. I know it's horrible to make loot off of others vulnerability and insecurities however if fitness is your livelihood then you had better take advantage of this time of year or you will be left in the dust. My first supervisor as a personal trainer used to motivate us by saying the training you sell now will pay your bills the rest of this year and that was so true. I remember doing fitness assessment after fitness assessment hoping and praying during each one that they would sign a contract and I'd be able to pay rent. At that first club where I worked I probably signed about 1 out of every 10 or 15 fitness assessments I took new members through. I started work in January of 2010 and instantly started working 60+ hour weeks until mid February. As much as I absolutely hated all those hours, and all the people who didn't purchase training I missed it by the end of February. If I couldn't sell hardly any training in January with all the complimentary workouts I was giving then how would I sell if I did less than half the amount just a month later?! This is when I learned that the personal training business is not for me. As my husband once put it, "You are at the mercy of the public." Many trainers have built up rapport of many years and can now make an ok living off of their training and live a mostly normal life. Some of the things I do love about the work is that I have complete control over my schedule and business. Not to mention I am doing what I LOVE as work! Not many people can say they are passionate about their job but I definitely am. I truly believe that outside of faith in Christ having a healthy lifestyle full of lots of physical activity and good nutrition is the key to an energetic life full of great fulfillment but I won't step up on my soap box about that, since you all know exactly why plenty of exercise and a wholesome diet are better than the alternative. Being passionate about our work is one thing all trainers have in common. No one does this for the money or the great hours and benefits. It is simply because they absolutely love it and will devote their lives to helping people realize and live out this very difficult but so obvious truth. Notice I said "very difficult"..... yes, I know it's hard to fit it in your life, yes.... I know healthy food doesn't taste good..... and yes, I know not everyone can afford a personal trainer; afterall it is considered a luxury. Believe me all of us trainers have heard every excuse in the book and it keeps us sane to vent to one another. I'm not trying to bash or create shame and guilt but to elude to the fact that your trainer does exactly what you fear.....complains about their clients. Don't get me wrong, we love you and want you to succeed. Compare it to complaining about a family member; you love them but sometimes if they say that one thing one more time, you are going to jump out the window! You all know what I'm talking about. So to keep ourselves sane and from letting it all boil over on you, the client, us trainers will frequently complain about the most recent new member we gave a workout to;
"he was a "usedtobe"" or "his work schedule is too erratic" or "she has never eaten breakfast and cannot imagine starting now" and there are plenty of other norms out there. My least favorite is, "Are you sure this exercise will get rid of my pouch?" or any other doubt they may have in my program. Isn't it enough that I have my Kinesiology/Exercise Physiology degree from a Big10 school or that I am certified from a Nationally Accredited Institution? Some people just take more convincing I guess. Do I feel guilty about my lack of grace or mercy for the generally inactive population who doubt my expertise? Definitely. I often feel like behind closed doors I am not patient enough with my clients and I need to be less like Jillian Micheals and more like the Bob...... whatever his last name is. I often think that just because I know something so well that I could teach it in my sleep, everyone else does too. Now maybe you're not a personal trainer but those of you out there who are very highly trained and educated in your practice can relate: "If one more student asks me why they need to know math, I'm going to....", "If one more kid tries to lie to me about his criminal record....." or "If one more......" put your own story in there. What's your day to day annoyance with the general public?
Mine was brought up to me in a very obvious way this morning as I read the story of Moses and the burning bush. This is one you probably know very well. Even those of you who don't have a religion have probably heard of it or had it read to you at some point in your life. Refresh yourself; Exodus 4. The gist of the story is that God wants to use Moses to free his people, the Israelites. Not only does God use a flaming bush, which doesn't actually burn up, to get Moses' attention, he shows him 2 miracles, not including the bush trick, to convince a reluctant Moses of how serious he his about this mission. Then when Moses is still whining about the potential barriers, he gives him more miraculous signs, and a companion, Aaron. As I read this I was like, "Really, Moses! You are talking to The God! Why are you arguing? Aren't you honored to take on this challenge in his name? Shut your mouth and do what he says. He has way more experience and wisdom than you do in ALL areas so why put up the fight?" God is thinking the same thing because he says,
"Who gave man his mouth? Who makes him deaf or mute? Who gives him sight or makes him blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say."
There it is, a list of God's degrees, certifications and loads of experience, but Moses still argues with him and is so afraid of overcoming his barrier of speech and facing potential death that nothing seems to be a comfort.
I put myself in God's shoes as the personal trainer with the very stubborn client before I realized that I can actually better relate to Moses. How many times in my life have I only seen my road blocks and not God and his credentials? Unfortunately way too often. God is saying to me, "Really? Do you know who I am?" Then he reminds me of all the ways he has saved my life and rescued me from death and destruction and promises to always do so. His grace is infinite. I don't need to quote a verse to show you. There are verses all over the Bible just open it up and I'm sure after a few pages of reading you will see that promise written out for you, again and again and again.
My New Year's Resolution is to be more patient and graceful with the "Resolutions" just as God is continuously patient and graceful with me and all my doubts. Now making a second New Year's Resolution to never doubt God is very overwhelming and instead I'll make a daily resolution to surrender my burdens, fears and all other road blocks at his feet where they will not take my focus away from him and his purpose for my life.

Our First Christmas

When I tell people that this is Derek and I's first Christmas together as husband and wife I get a lot of "awwwww, how lovely". Very few people say "Oh what an adventure this year will be" or "I hope you don't have any expectations" which ought to be the most common responses. Of course I had tons of expectations of plenty warm and fuzzy moments full of kisses by our beautifully lit Christmas tree, snuggling up together with hot chocolate by our fireplace and spending quality time while shopping for our friends and family. Those of you who have been married for atleast a year now are giggling as you read this. Outside of married life Christmas isn't always as warm and fuzzy as the carols describe and lets just be honest, very few families actually look forward to spending a whole day together. I've said a number of prayers asking for God's grace and forgiveness in advance before stepping foot in a family member's door for this most blessed time of year. As much as I look forward to Christmas and all it's traditions I can recall a many Christmas's when cutting down the tree was not as fun as I thought it would be and neither was decorating it. Driving long hours to spend the day with family was rather painful and taxing on everyone and after it was all said and done our family needed a vacation from our "vacation". So why, you're wondering, did I expect my first Christmas with my husband to be anything less than all the busy, tumultuous, and chaotic Christmas's before? When I figure that out I'll let you all know.
Our Christmas celebration began with our Christmas tree. I grew up on a farm in Illinois and have always decorated a real Christmas tree that usually my dad and I drove almost an hour to find and cut down. It was your traditional farm family Christmas. Dad would put a fire in the fire place that night and mom and I along with whoever of my siblings were home would help decorate. There were tasty treats sitting out for us to snack on and It's a Wonderful Life would usually be playing in the background. Decorating the tree is my favorite Christmas tradition and it took me a few weeks to even convince Derek that we were going to get a real tree. He always thought I was joking until one evening I brought it up for the 10th time and he understood that I was serious and said something like, "I just don't think that's feasible right now". I began to cry. My family members reading this right now are wincing, I'm sure. Bless his heart he had no idea how very important this was to me. Regardless the tears did the trick. He apologized almost immediately and explained that he just wasn't sure logistically how we were going to get a live tree into our apartment but if it meant that much to me we would find a way to make it work. He was probably right too. His mini cooper is not equipped to haul a live ever green and my Santa Fe is barely suitable. We didn't have a stand or very many ornaments, a tree topper, lights or a tree skirt. The only thing we did have going for us are tall ceilings in our average size apartment in the middle of suburbia.
So we planned a weekend to go to a tree farm and eventhough I didn't think he searched and planned as aggressively as he could've we did find a weekend and a time to go. It was a Saturday afternoon and that evening we were hosting an ugly sweater Christmas party and all our friends were coming over around 7pm. In Overland Park it was probably about 32 degrees that day but out on the flats of Kansas it felt like 15 and the wind was merciless. We spent almost an hour at the first place but had no luck. As it turns out this was the last year for that particular tree farm so they were completely picked over. We decided to leave empty handed. I was disappointed and once more the tears came. This time it didn't take tears for my knight to save the day. He was more determined than I was to find his girl her real evergreen for Christmas. I was ok with giving up and going back to prepare for the party eventhough I was bummed I knew I needed to be reasonable about my expectations. Derek however drove us around in an area he barely knew until we stumbled across another tree farm that looked very promising. Once again we carried around a saw in the freezing wind and dropping temperatures until we found our perfect tree and he was more than tolerant with my indecisiveness in the final decision. He seemed to be actually enjoying the time together and always asked me atleast 3 times, "Are you sure?" I'm certain there were moments he wished he hadn't asked and just cut but nonetheless we eventually found our tree and he cut down his first tree like he had done it every Christmas for years. As we drove away with a new tree stand, and our first Christmas tree as husband and wife tied to the roof of the Santa Fe we were both cheerful despite our frozen hands and cheeks and he even thought out loud that owning a Christmas Tree Farm in our retirement would be kinda fun. We barely had enough time to get ready for our party and put our tree in the stand before our guests arrived. The next day we decorated it with new lights, a big bow for the topper and the 20 ornaments we've acquired from family and friends growing up. Decorating it was definitely another opportunity for growth as it was less than the blissful day I had envisioned but I'll let you use your imagination about that since this post is already quite longer than the others. It's certainly not as beautiful as I envisioned but we've enjoyed many kisses next to it and our cat, Stella, frequently drinks it's water and ventures up it's branches. It hasn't fallen over yet, cross your fingers.
It's funny how once you get married you feel as if you instantly know your spouse so well and then events like Christmas come around and it's brought to your attention that you don't know them very well at all. There is always opportunities to grow in marriage and that's exactly how Derek and I have come to view our differences. Just as we did as single people when we faced trials and road blocks, we considered them opportunities to grow in our faith with Christ, and we did. He made sure of it. Now, as Christ has commanded us to liken our relationship with our spouse to that with him, we do the same as before and grow in faith and love when Christmas isn't always what we envisioned.